Why your relationship might be suffering
You may be missing bids for connection from your loved one and it’s causing serious problems in your relationship.
Renowned therapist and relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman, focuses on improving relationships by enhancing emotional connections. Gottman’s key concept is the idea of “bids” for emotional connection—small, everyday actions or statements that invite emotional engagement from a partner, friend, or family member. Successful relationships, he argues, depend on how people respond to these bids.
In my counseling practice in Charlotte, NC, it’s my goal to see couples connecting better and finding ways to make bids for connection that are readily received by their partner. When this concept clicks, it’s like the lights turn on.
There are three primary responses to bids:
Turning Toward: Engaging with the bid, showing interest or support.
Turning Away: Ignoring or not noticing the bid.
Turning Against: Responding negatively or rejecting the bid.
Gottman emphasizes the importance of emotional attunement, empathy, and communication skills, showing how paying attention to and responding positively to these bids strengthens relationships. By learning to recognize and respond to bids effectively, individuals can create stronger, healthier, and more resilient connections.
In his book, The Relationship Cure, John Gottman identifies various types of "bids" for emotional connection, which are small attempts people make to get attention, affection, or support. These bids can be verbal or non-verbal, direct or indirect, and they occur in everyday interactions. Here are some examples:
Verbal Bids:
Request for Help: "Can you help me with this?"
Sharing a Thought: "I had a tough day at work today."
Seeking Attention: "Look at this beautiful sunset!"
Offering Compliments: "You look great in that outfit."
Sharing Excitement: "Guess what happened today!"
Inviting Conversation: "What do you think about this movie?"
Seeking Validation: "Do you think I handled that situation okay?"
Non-verbal Bids:
Affectionate Touch: A hug, hand on the shoulder, or a kiss.
Eye Contact: Looking at someone with warmth or anticipation.
A Smile: Offering a smile as a way to connect or show support.
Sighing or Body Language: A sigh or slumping posture that signals frustration or the need for comfort.
Gestures: A wave, a nod, or an inviting hand gesture to draw attention.
Indirect Bids:
Sharing a Memory or Story: "This reminds me of our vacation last year."
Asking for Input: "Which shirt do you think looks better?"
A Joke or Light Teasing: Trying to lighten the mood or engage playfully.
Expressing Vulnerability: "I’m feeling a little overwhelmed today."
Bids for Emotional Support:
Expressing Sadness: "I feel really down today."
Showing Insecurity: "I’m worried about this presentation tomorrow."
Seeking Comfort: Sitting close or leaning in for physical reassurance.
These bids are opportunities to connect emotionally with others. The way people respond (turning toward, away, or against) determines whether emotional intimacy and trust are strengthened or weakened in the relationship.
If you need help in your relationship, try giving therapy a try. Therapy can help you learn how to connect and make and receive emotional bids for connection that will deepen and strengthen your relationship.