Connect Before You Correct

As a parent myself I know it can be easy to get into a cycle of constant correction and forget about the relationship aspect we have with our kids. Sometimes we need to pull back and ask ourselves “I am connecting with my child?” “Is their behavior a result of a lack of connection with me?” “Is my constant correcting causing disconnection and worse behavior in my teen?”

The concept of "Connection before Correction" is a key principle in Positive Discipline, emphasizing the importance of building a strong relationship with children before addressing their misbehavior. This approach recognizes that children and teens are more likely to respond positively and learn from their experiences when they feel a sense of belonging and significance within the family.

Creating a connection with our teens involves several strategies:

1.      Spend special time with our teen: Set aside dedicated one-on-one time with each child and engage in activities they enjoy. This communicates that you value their presence and enjoy being with them. (Yes, I know it’s hard to get your teen to do anything with you but try to find some common ground: skiing, fishing, movies, sporting events, dirt biking. Find something that will grab their attention). Teen boys connect better when doing something rather than sitting and having a conversation over coffee or a meal.

2.      Listen actively: When your son or daughter wants to communicate with you, give them your full attention. Put aside distractions and show genuine interest in what they have to say. This conveys that their thoughts and feelings are important and valued.

3.      Validate their feelings: Recognize and acknowledge your teens emotions, even if you may not agree with their behavior. Validating their feelings helps them feel understood and accepted, strengthening the connection between you.

4.      Share your own feelings and thoughts: Appropriately and respectfully share aspects of your own life or experiences with your teen. This helps build trust and openness in the relationship, making it easier for them to listen to your perspective.

5.      Focus on solutions together: Instead of imposing consequences or punishments on teens and kids, involve them in problem-solving discussions. After a cooling-off period, engage them in finding solutions that address the issue at hand. Collaborating on solutions fosters a sense of responsibility and connection.

6.      Ask curiosity questions: Rather than immediately imposing consequences, ask sincere questions that encourage your kids to reflect on their choices and consider the consequences. This approach engages their rational thinking and helps them develop self-awareness.

7.      Offer physical affection: Hugs, when appropriate, can be a powerful way to express love and support. Physical touch can provide comfort and reassurance, strengthening the bond between you and your child.

By prioritizing connection before correction, you lay the foundation for a positive and respectful relationship with your child. Once this connection is established, children are more likely to be open to guidance and correction that aligns with the principles of Positive Discipline.

It's important to note that Positive Discipline approaches correction differently from conventional methods. Positive Discipline encourages involving children in the process of finding solutions and understanding the consequences of their actions. Methods such as family meetings and joint problem-solving are effective tools for respectfully addressing misbehavior while maintaining a strong connection.

Remember, the goal is to create an environment where your teen feels valued, respected, and empowered to make positive choices, and connection is the key to achieving this.

If you need help working through some of these concepts or think your teenager could use a safe place to talk about their feelings and life, I’d be happy to help. I provide counseling to teens here in Charlotte, NC.

“Josh was extremely helpful getting my teenage son through a tough stage. He connected with him, to where my son felt like he was sharing with a friend rather than a therapist. The best was the hug I got, telling me finding Josh was the best decision ever. thank you!!”
- A Happy Mom

Josh Burnett is a Teen Counselor in Charlotte, NC. He has helped many teens connect with their faith, self and others. His big-heart, depth of understanding, and ability to relate help his teen clients feel comfortable to share the hard stuff, heal, and grow.