Are You Bringing the Right Tools To Your Relationship?
“You’re not listening to me!” I bet you’ve heard this from your spouse before. I know I have! I was recently listening to a podcast a friend sent to me. The interview was with a gentlemen named Warren Farrell, named by the The Financial Times, worlds top 100 thinkers and is ranked by the International Biographic Centre of London as the World’s top 2000 Scholars of the twentieth Century.
Dr Farrell suggests that most couple’s main problem is they don’t listen to each other’s hurts and complaints well, which causes further conflict and feelings of disconnection in the relationship.
Use The Right Tool for the Job
Listening without inserting our biases can be one of the most difficult skills to master, especially for men. Men go to work and are rewarded every day for coming up with solutions to problems, poking a whole in an offer, coming up with an argument in a court room etc. We’re good at that and its one of our greatest strengths. But it backfires in our love relationships. Your spouse doesn’t need you to be right or factual in the moment. It’s the wrong tool for the job! You wouldn’t use a sledge hammer for a job that requires a rubber mallet. High emotions often can be irrational and giving facts or a counter argument usually doesn’t soothe or fix the problem.
Listening is the secret sauce to getting through an upset from your spouse. Listening without defensiveness or going into fix it mode wont will help you build the bond you really want. You’ll both feel safe to share and discuss things, it will grow the depth of your relationship, they’ll feel so much closer to you. Your sex life, your kids, your health will all benefit.
When I’m counseling men or doing couples therapy, teaching good listening skills is key, especially when you want to put the brakes on a conflict. There are few skills to master active listening, it’s fairly simple to understand but sometimes difficult to apply. We communicate verbally and non-verbally. Active listening can include showing we are listening by paraphrasing, summarizing and mirroring what our partner says without inserting your personal thoughts or biases or sound like you’re talking down to them or being condescending. The other is our non-verbal’s; Making eye contact, nodding, leaning forward, not being distracted by your phone, tv, etc. Observe your thoughts and non-verbal’s; are you thinking of your counter argument or how you want to defend yourself? Is your brow furrowed or do you have that what the heck are you talking about face on?
When your loved one is upset, feeling offended, or maybe one of their insecurities is being triggered by some things you’re doing or not doing or it’s just their perception. Hearing and understanding what they have to say can calm them down quickly and have them feeling more connected to you. Turning a conflict into a point of connection. Knowing that if you provide a safe environment for your partner’s upsets, that your partner will feel more loved by you and therefore they feel more love for you.
Here's what’s happening at a brain level. When your spouse is in their emotional brain, their reasoning and logic brain isn’t on. Giving them facts, logic, reasoning, defensiveness keeps them stuck in that part of their brain. When you are listening and hearing what they say, listening to their narrative or perspective it calms their emotional brain and allows them to get into their higher brain but also helps bond them to you because they feel safe to talk about how they feel and what they’re thinking.
If you can get proficient in this skill you are well on your way to a successful relationship and have the confidence to put the brakes on any conflict and turn it into a point of connection. Couples counseling and relationship coaching right here in Charlotte, can help you learn these skills and put them into practice. I can also coach you individually as a man or woman to gain the skills you need to improve your relationship. Give me a call, text, or email. 704-916-9578 or info@joshburnettcounselingnc.com
Josh Burnett is anindividual and couples counselor in Charlotte, NC. He has helped many couples, men and women connect with their faith, values, Self and Others. His big-heart, depth of understanding, and ability to relate help his clients feel comfortable to share the hard stuff, heal, and grow.
Josh Burnett Counseling, NC
3315 Springbank Ln ste 106 Charlotte, NC